💔 Have you ever noticed your relationship quietly falling apart, but you can’t pinpoint why?

One day everything’s perfect, the next, you’re misreading each other, small conflicts spiral, conversations become clashes, and emotional distance grows. Breakups rarely stem from lost love, they’re fueled by toxic communication patterns most couples don’t even notice.

(Gottman & Silver, 1999)

This is where Dr. John Gottman’s 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' comes in. Gottman, a legendary relationship expert, famously discovered he could predict with 90% accuracy whether couples would stay together or split, just by watching how they talk to each other. His research revealed four toxic patterns that sabotage relationships:

🚨 Horseman #1: Criticism – “You Never, You Always” 🚨

Criticism is different from a complaint. 
A complaint addresses a specific issue, while criticism attacks your partner’s character and makes them feel inadequate. Instead of focusing on actions, criticism often targets their personality. Why is this damaging? Using absolute terms like ‘never’ or ‘always’ can make your partner feel like a failure and provoke defensiveness.

Scenario: Feeling Neglected in the Relationship

💔 Criticism: “You never care about me! You’re always on your phone. You’re so selfish!”

💖 Healthy Alternative: “I miss spending time with you. Can we have a phone-free dinner tonight at Pickzza?” 

Pickzza, B1-053

🚨 Horseman #2: Contempt – “The Relationship Killer” 🚨

Contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.
It’s more than just being upset as it’s treating your partner with disrespect, sarcasm, or disgust. People often act this way because of their ego and their inability to communicate their true needs without lashing out. Many times, it’s an attempt to punish their partner for making them feel hurt or undervalued which the opposite of what a healthy relationship should be.

Scenario: Frustrated Over House Chores

💔 Contempt: [Eye-roll] “Wow, what a shocker, you didn’t lift a finger again. Do I have to do everything for you like a child?”

💖 Healthy Alternative: “I really appreciate it when we share responsibilities, it makes me feel like we’re a team. Do you think we could work together to balance the chores?”

🛑Contempt Red Flags! If you catch yourself rolling your eyes, mocking, or using sarcasm to belittle your partner, it’s a sign to pause and reflect on your emotional state. Research shows that contempt doesn’t just harm relationships, it can weaken your immune system and spike stress levels! What better way to ease stress than treating yourself to a delicious, fulfilling dessert here at Arrowmatika!

Arrowmatika, L3-01A

🚨 Horseman #3: Defensiveness – “It’s Not My Fault!” 🚨

Defensiveness is when we refuse to take responsibility and shift blame instead. It’s a survival instinct, but it turns every discussion into a fight. It dismisses your partner’s feelings and turns the issue into an argument about blame rather than a solution. Taking even a little responsibility defuses tension and rebuilds trust. 

Scenario: Feeling Unheard After a Long Day

💔 Defensiveness: “I do listen! But it feels like you expect me to drop everything and focus on you right away. I was busy doing the grocery shopping for us!”

💖 Healthy Alternative: “I’m sorry I seemed distracted because I was focused on getting our groceries done at Village Grocer. Can we revisit this in 10 minutes so I can give you my full attention?”

Village Grocer, B1-018

Next time you feel defensive, pause and ask yourself: “What part of this can I take responsibility for?” Owning even 1% of the problem can completely change the tone of the conversation.

🚨 Horseman #4: Stonewalling – “Shutting Down” 🚨

Ever had a conversation where your partner just shuts down, avoids eye contact, or refuses to talk? Over time, this creates emotional distance.
That’s stonewalling, a defense mechanism when emotions become overwhelming.It’s very similar to the avoidant attachment style, where a person withdraws emotionally to protect themselves from perceived conflict or intimacy. Instead of engaging, they create distance to feel safe, even if it unintentionally hurts their partner. Read more about attachment styles here.

💔 Stonewalling: [No response, scrolling through phone, avoiding eye contact]

💖 Healthy Alternative: “I need a moment to process this, but I do want to talk. Can we check in later? I'll be at Infinity 8 for a bit.”

Infinity 8, L3-022 - L3-025

🛑 Stonewalling Red Flag: If you or your partner frequently withdraw during conflicts, it could be a sign of emotional flooding. When stress levels spike and the brain literally can’t process information. Avoidants often struggle with this because intimacy feels overwhelming.

💡 Fix it with a Break: If emotions get too intense, take 20 minutes apart before coming back to talk calmly. This helps regulate emotions without pushing your partner away. Do understand that not communicating this need for space can make your partner feel invisible and unheard. However, letting them know signals that you care, while also giving yourself time to cool down.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.